I work with a fair number of people who aren’t native English speakers, and it’s made me realize how absurd my own speech is. Like when I was walking downstairs with a group of children, and they were moving really, really slowly, I said, “You guys are not exactly overwhelming me with your ability to move quickly.” My co-worker gave me a confused look, and I said, “Um, the sentence structure of that was probably unnecessarily complicated.” Which in itself – possibly I should stop using adverbs.

This is the kind of conversation I have in my head. I’ll be cleaning out my closet, and I’ll think, “You should probably get rid of that dress.” And then I’ll think, “I agree.” Here’s my question: Who the hell am I agreeing with? Do other people do this? Sometimes I catch myself having conversations like, “I don’t think it’s the soap that’s the problem.” “I don’t either, to be honest.” That is DEMENTED. Like, I don't "either?" I don't REALLY think I'm an insane person, but I clearly seem to have two different viewpoints all the time. Or, rather, the same viewpoint from two sources. That's actually crazier. Damn.

My problem with most movies and television shows is that they don’t require me to suspend my disbelief enough. I am willing to go along for the ride if there are vampires or werewolves or ghosts involved, but not immigration officers who fly from Manhattan to Alaska to force a couple to admit their potential marriage is a sham. (I just saw The Proposal.) I realize this shows a basic misunderstanding of comedy on my part: there’s no entertainment if people just act the way they usually do; the joke is that this immigration officer is crazy. But for some reason, I find the idea of an immigration officer ACTUALLY ATTENDING THE WEDDING more unrealistically distracting than, say, aliens that are giant robots or maybe cars and also happen to speak English.

I’m currently obsessed with the fact that nobody else at my gym ever asks the employees to change the television channels. Our cardio machines don’t have individual TVs in them; there’s just a row above the machines, and yesterday I went to the gym, and two of the channels were on NBC, which was showing a children’s cartoon, and I knew it was on NBC because Wimbledon was on earlier that morning, but that was FIVE HOURS earlier. And who decides to put two of them on the same channel? That’s insane. I guess it’s possible I’m the only person at my gym who watches TV, except that I’m always going around asking the employees to change the channel, and when I ask the other gym-goers if they mind, they’re always like, Yes, please, change it to CNN, I would rather not be watching My Friend Rabbit.