I learned last week that most Thanksgiving songs for children are about the imminent death of turkeys. The imminent, terrified death. It’s one thing to be like, I’m going to kill this turkey, because this turkey has no consciousness. It’s another thing to give the turkey consciousness, and be like, Run away, Mr. Turkey, or you will be a mouthful on Thanksgiving day, and then still kill it.

Sometimes my cat and I will rise from our respective perches at the same time, and head in the same direction, and there will be like two seconds when we’re walking next to each other, and then she starts to sprint. It’s like we’re suddenly competing for something, but I have no idea what that thing could be. It’s not food.

I feel like my appropriate bus behavior is steadily declining. I used to sit on the bus and just read or listen to my iPod or look at the mountains. Then I started eating breakfast on the bus. Then I started putting on makeup. This morning I finished getting dressed. I feel like that might have crossed a line.

There’s this recent study about how people talking on cell phones don’t see clowns riding on unicycles, and it’s supposed to prove that talking on cell phones is super distracting. I’m sure it is. But I think the researchers should consider the possibility that some people just aren’t visually observant. Yesterday a friend and I walked by a piano in someone’s front yard, and my friend said, “That’s weird,” and I said, “What is?” This happens a lot. It took me three years to notice my parents painted their house yellow. I notice things that are, like, in my way, but an entire team of seven-foot clowns could ride an entire fleet of rainbow-colored unicycles by me, and if none of them crossed my path, I’d never notice.

I have to use quarters to do laundry. So I often go to the bank to get a roll of quarters. It took me an ENTIRE YEAR AND A HALF to realize I could go to ANY bank to get a roll of quarters, instead of scheduling my entire life around going to MY bank, like I was using my ATM card to get a roll of quarters, WHICH I WAS NOT. I was just using a $10 bill, which is accepted as legal tender in ALL BANKS, regardless of whether I have an ACCOUNT THERE. A year and a half.