My DVD player has started doing this thing; it says it can’t read the DVD the first four or five tries, but then it changes its mind, and the DVD plays fine on the sixth or seventh try. I could buy a new DVD player. But this way, I can tell how committed I actually am to watching something.

I like when the plot on a television show revolves around the characters meeting “famous people," because the characters and the “famous people” are the same level of attractiveness, and no one is ever like, “Isn’t it weird that I’m a high school teacher and you’re a movie star, and we’re equally hot?”

I’m starting to think the problem with me mistaking toy moose for toy horses or toy deer is a problem with the toys, not me. Because I am reasonably certain that I can tell the difference between lemons and grapefruits and apples, but we have this toy food at school, and I have no idea which toy is supposed to represent which fruit. They could all possibly be oranges. We also have this puzzle where something looks like a strawberry, but it’s purple, which is close enough to strawberry-color to be really confusing.

I was drinking a glass of water this morning and felt something tiny and sharp enter my mouth. It was a toenail clipping. This is the story I’m going to tell people when they argue that women are naturally more interested than men in keeping a clean house.