I made these feelings puppets for my class, like the idea is to teach toddlers about feelings, so they’ll say “I’m angry!” instead of hitting another child with a shovel. I’m not sure this ever actually works, but we’re supposed to try. So I made three puppets and assigned each puppet an emotion, and then I named the puppets after my parents and my brother. That's why my job is amazing.

I don’t wish to over-stress the point about what a visually unobservant moron I am, but I’ve lived in my apartment for three months now, and I only just realized that my bedroom has a different heating dial than my living room. I guess this is my brother’s point about how I don’t think like a person. A person would think, Gee. It’s much colder in my bedroom than my living room. There must be two different heating systems operating these two rooms. I should investigate further. I was just sad it was so cold in my bedroom.

I have to sing fairly often at work, and I really, really don’t sing well. Most of the time, no one seems to notice or care, but every once in a while I’ll be singing to my toddlers, and they’ll look at me with expressions that can only be described as dismayed.

I learned last week that most Thanksgiving songs for children are about the imminent death of turkeys. The imminent, terrified death. It’s one thing to be like, I’m going to kill this turkey, because this turkey has no consciousness. It’s another thing to give the turkey consciousness, and be like, Run away, Mr. Turkey, or you will be a mouthful on Thanksgiving day, and then still kill it.

Sometimes my cat and I will rise from our respective perches at the same time, and head in the same direction, and there will be like two seconds when we’re walking next to each other, and then she starts to sprint. It’s like we’re suddenly competing for something, but I have no idea what that thing could be. It’s not food.

I feel like my appropriate bus behavior is steadily declining. I used to sit on the bus and just read or listen to my iPod or look at the mountains. Then I started eating breakfast on the bus. Then I started putting on makeup. This morning I finished getting dressed. I feel like that might have crossed a line.

There’s this recent study about how people talking on cell phones don’t see clowns riding on unicycles, and it’s supposed to prove that talking on cell phones is super distracting. I’m sure it is. But I think the researchers should consider the possibility that some people just aren’t visually observant. Yesterday a friend and I walked by a piano in someone’s front yard, and my friend said, “That’s weird,” and I said, “What is?” This happens a lot. It took me three years to notice my parents painted their house yellow. I notice things that are, like, in my way, but an entire team of seven-foot clowns could ride an entire fleet of rainbow-colored unicycles by me, and if none of them crossed my path, I’d never notice.